I wrote this two weeks ago but did not post it because I was in the middle of so many things I could not handle the emotions and the editing. I took a few days out-of-town after the sale and 10 Days of Prayer. I slept 10 hours the first night out, and 9 the next two.
How could I forget…every year!?!
My dad died in August, 9 years ago. My older brother’s Birthday is September 4th. He died 5 & 1/2 years ago. He had a clotting disorder that blocked the veins in his brain. The blood could get into the brain, but not out. The doctors called it a soggy brain. Charlie was severely brain-damaged by the blockages. Because my dad had a stroke 20 years before he passed, we all knew what that meant to live with brain damage. After 20 years of major disability dad said enough when his colon blocked. He was with the Lord within hours.
Charlie told my younger brother 6 months before his “event” that if he was ever brain-damaged he did not want to be kept on support. We honored his wishes in spite of the hospitals desire to experiment. I’ve been though cross cultural moves, repeatedly, saying good-byes, many that were final at that transition point. All my grand parents have died. Losing my dogs was really hard too! I’ve lived through coup d’etats and many other really stressful situations. Letting go of Charlie, “pulling the plug,” is still the hardiest thing I have faced in my 55+ years.
If that is not enough, September 11th is, well, 9/11, but it is also my parent’s wedding anniversary. It would have been 59 years this year! I think it hit me harder than usual this year because I am approaching the first anniversary of my divorce court date. I never planned to be divorced, but I could not live with the abuse any more. So I am healing, and I am grieving. I just read a blog by Jen Pollack Michel siting Jerry Sittser in A Grace Disguised, he “describes his own journey through grief as an amputation. Just as one learns to live without a limb, one can learn to live with loss.”
With that reminder, I think I sometimes have the phantom syndrome where an amputee feels the lost limb that really is not there. It’s not denial, I am moving forward. I forget my dad and brother are gone, that I no longer have a life mate. Then I hit August, September and October. I am having a yard sale to begin to clear out so I can be ready to move when the time comes. I forgot, then I feel blindsided! I was not expecting to face the emotions of sorting and basically assigning value to so many things that have had a place in my life. I am exhausted and I am still trying to participate in the 10 days of prayer that goes through this Saturday.
It’s not all bad. As I get to places in closets that have apparently not been touched in 15 years I often discover things, like a container of sand from Timbuktu. I collected it when I was there 20 years ago. Why keep the sand? Just to let others feel a bit of my exotic life=}….and to remind me our earthly bodies are all but dust in the long run.
I also found my dad’s cufflinks. Bitter sweet. Alex will enjoy them. Even though both Kathryn & Alex have been through recently to sort their things, I have been sending photos by text for days to my adult children to verify the ownership and intent of items I find. Keep? Sell? Trash? It has been a walk down memory lane for us all, full of smiles, tears and sighs. I have more highs and lows because I am in the thick of it.
We are also in an intense spiritual season. As I type it is the eve of Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement on the Jewish calendar. Believers across the North Shore, in Boston and about 10 other areas across the US have been celebrating 10 Days of Prayer. (10days.net) See my previous post to learn more, but know that meeting for worship and prayer across denominational lines for 10 days is both beautiful and intense. This adds to the intensity of grief since these days on the Jewish calendar area about self-examination and our need for Messiah, Jesus!
We all have things to grieve, not all are deaths of humans or relationships. Some are dreams or hope deferred. How do you process? What has helped you get through those recurring seasons? What can you/I do so next year so we are a bit better prepared, or at least not blindsided?
The sale is over and the 10 Days of Prayer too. More on both of them soon. I am back to “normal” life, if there is such a thing for me. Still seeking HIS face. The days out-of-town allowed me to breathe a bit and begin to hear from Abba. More to follow….
